You could be happy
by CookieK2
Summary: You could be happy and I won´t know, but you weren´t happy the day I watched you go... Snow Patrol, GrissomSara
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own CSI or any of it´s characters.

**A/N:** This fic is insipred by the song "you could be happy" by snowpatrol.

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**You could be happy**

"_There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the times we were happy."_

**Grissom**

He hadn´t been in Boston for years, so when he stepped out of the cab the crisp and cool winter air hit him somehow unexpected. He shuddered. How could people live here?

Vegas was hot, sure, and it was not always pleasant to have the air conditioning on 24/7 for weeks, but still...the cold got to him.

The lobby of the hotel he was staying at was pleasantly warm and as soon as he stepped inside he was able to rid himself of his windbreaker and savour the warmth on the bare skin of his arms.

He had learned to find pleasure in the little things in life due to the woman accompanying him through it and he was grateful for that.

The receptionist greeted him with a friendly smile and he checked in quickly, having booked the room weeks in advance. He had not been away from home for at least two years and it felt good to step foot outside of his hometown and usual work and do something different for a change. He might even learn something new in the process...

A young man lead him to his room, Room 213, and as soon as he´d tipped him left Grissom to his unpacking.

It felt strange to be alone for a change. In the past he had valued his solitude, relishing in the thought that he could go home from work and just be by himself, alone with his thoughts.

Nowadays he dreaded the times he had to come home to an empty house. He had grown accostumed to being in company. And not being alone meant not having to think about...the changes his life had went through, which meant he could pretend it was alright with him. And not thinking meant he could feel as if he was happy, even if in the moments of solitude he knew that he wasn´t...

Unpacking quickly, Grissom grabbed his keycard and made his way out again. He could easily squeez in a walk before the welcoming reception that evening and maybe get a little more used to the cold he would have to face for the next two days.

He walked through the streets slowly, not really going anywhere, just looking around and trying to get the stiff feeling of the flight out of his legs.

Rounding a corner he heard laughter coming from the other side of the street.

The world seemed to stop for a moment. He knew that laughter. He´d recognize it everywhere.

Across the street stood Sara Sidle, hand in hand with a dark haired man in his mid-forties, obviously laughing at something he´d said.

His heart skipped a beat as he saw her for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

Her hair was longer than the last time he´d seen her and fell in slight waves into her face as she bent forward, holding her belly.

He couldn´t imagine her ever looking this stunning, even if she´d always been beautiful to him.

Even though she wore a dark coat, he could still make out her slim figure underneath and he remembered running his hands down that back, feeling her soft skin under his fingers, her warmth seeping into him...

„Will, stop it." Her exclamation brought him back to reality harshly, her voice still so deep, so affectionate.

She leaned up and kissed the man – Will – softly, before tugging on his hand. „Come on, let´s go home."

_Home._ He remembered her saying exactly those words to him once, after a long shift, leaning against the doorframe of his office.

„_Come on, let´s go home."_ The words rang in his ears, the inviting sound of them, the love and trust that were implied in the word _home_.

And in that moment it struck him what he´d denied himself to think since she´d left: he missed her.

Grissom could not concentrate on anything the speaker at the reception said to welcome his fellow scientists.

The speech passed by in a blur and suddenly the people around him were getting up to get something to eat from the buffet.

Grissom decided he couldn´t stay for an evening of small talk and introductions. Not today. He had to get out of there.

Hell, he had to get out of Boston again as fast as possible. Maybe he could tell Jen that the conference had been cancelled...

He got up from his table before any of his colleagues returned and slipped out of the room quietly, just to stop short in his tracks as the door fell shut behind him.

There she was, only a few feet away from him, her expression as shocked as his probably looked.

„Gil..." Sara whispered, the surprise clearly evident in her voice as she stood before him, frozen to the spot.

„Sara." He nodded his head politely, his tone detatched, as always.

She didn´t know how much he was trembling inside, how he was falling apart...

„You here for the conference?" She asked after a short pause, nodding her head towards the closed door of the banket room he´d just left.

„Yeah."

He couldn´t talk to her.Hearing her voice alone was causing him pain, but seeing her, looking her in the eyes... it was unbearable.

„What about you?" He asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

He was not even sure if he´d hear her answer over the pounding of his heart.

„Me too. A friend of mine is one of the presenters," she answered and he had to wonder if that friend was the man he´d seen her with.

„Oh."

He nodded at her one more time, before moving past her, towards the elevators.

He had to get away from her, he had to get her out of his life again.

„Griss?" She called out for him, her voice sounding...what? Desperate, sad? There had been times when he knew how to read the sound of her voice, when he knew how even the slightest change of nuance meant something. Now he was not sure, but he turned at her call and looked at her, the mask of perfect indifference back on his face again.

„How are you?" She asked, honest interest showing on her face and his heart cracked a bit more.

„I´m good." He answered, trying to make his answer sound true. „What about you?"

„Yeah, me too." She answered. „You know I live here now. In Boston I mean. Have for almost two years."

„Oh."

„Just thought you might want to know." She added, her expression unreadable to him and again that was something he once was accostumed to read like a book.

„I still live in Vegas." He answered, as he didn´t know what else to say.

„I know. Supervisor of the dayshift now, married to...Jennifer, wasn´t it?"

It suprised him how easily she could say that. Maybe seeing him didn´t cause her pain anymore.

The surprise must have shown on his face, but she interpreted it differently.

„I didn´t snoop around for information about you. Nick told me."

„Oh." God, he was eloquent with words today, wasn´t he?

„You don´t have to worry, you know? I moved on too," she said, as if she thought that was what he wanted to hear.

„Is that so?" His voice sounded icy, but he didn´t care. Didn´t she know that this hurt?

„I´m engaged, to a highschool science teacher."

„Congratulations." He was surprised at his ability to say the word as if he meant it. But he did, at least partly. He´d always only wanted for her to be happy.

„Thanks."

They looked at each other for a long moment, studying their faces... She´d really become even more beautiful over the years.

„Gil?"

Their was that tone again and this time Grissom was sure he heard a hint of sadness in it.

„Are you happy?"

He wanted to tell her that he wasn´t. He wanted to tell her that he hadn´t been happy a day in his life since she left, even if that was not entirely true. Jen made him happy. But she was different. She was just a diversion. She was a companion, not the love of his life.

But instead of telling her the truth he nodded slowly and forced out a smile.

„Yes."

„Good...Me too."

And the sincereness in her voice broke his heart.

That night he flew back to Vegas and told Jen that it was over.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."_

**Sara**

„Come on, let´s go home." Sara tugged on her fiancés hand, pulling him along.

She had to go to the reception of that fancy science conference in an hour and she had not even decided what she was going to wear yet.

When Professor Neil had invited her yesterday she´d just accepted spontaniously, still eager to add all the knowledge to her mind that she didn´t possess yet.

Will had just laughed when she´d told him about it.

„You always have to know everything," He´d whined, „I feel stupid next to you.You are already a walking encyclopedia."

And then he´d pulled her onto his lap and had kissed her until she didn´t know the witty answer she´d wanted to give him in response anymore.

They got home just in time for her to throw in a quick shower and get dressed casually, before she had to get to the hotel which was fortunately not too far away from her home. She decided to walk there, even if it would make her a bit late. She loved Boston in the winter. The snowy landscape always made her dreamy.

Arriving at the hotel, she quickly made her way to the indicated banket room but stopped short in her tracks, when she saw a certain entomologist enter the room, the door falling closed behind him.

Her heart beat wildly in her chest as she considered the fact that Grissom was in Boston, attending a conference she would be present at too.

She had not seen him in over three years and she had honestly not expected to see him ever again. Not after their seperation...

Not that they´d seperated in hate...it had been different than either of them had expected.

Sure, she´d been afraid he would leave her because he learned he loved his solitude or his work more than her and he had been afraid she would leave him because of a younger man. They´d expected fights and hate and tears. But neither was the case.

The separation was as quiet as the beginning of their relationship.

One day he just left without telling her and it was over. The end. They both knew it. And she couldn´t even remember why anymore.

Sara decided she didn´t want to face Grissom - not now.

She would enter the room when the welcoming speech was over and just slip into the back and hide in the crowd of people. The professor would probably see her and introduce her to the people he knew. She was sure Grissom was not one of them. Entomology was not something Professor Neil paid any interest in.

She waited until she heard the crowd applaud and chairs being moved, then stepped forward to push open the big oak door.

To her suprise it swung into her direction at that moment and she had to take a step back not to be hit by it.

Sara heard the faint sound of the door falling shut again, but her eyes where trained on the person that had just quit the room and was now standing in front of her.

„Gil," she whispered.

She could not for the life in her move.

For just a moment time stood still as she looked into his blue eyes for the first time in years.

„Sara." He nodded at her and she hated him for being able to stay so calm. Wasn´t he affected by seeing her at all?

„You here for the conference?" She asked after a moment when she couldn´t stand the silence any longer. She desperately needed to hear his voice.

„Yeah."

He still was the master of one-word-answers. „What about you?"

„Me too. A friend of mine is one of the presenters."

She hated herself for falling back into the habit of rambling again. There had been a time when she´d been comfortable around him...

„Oh."

She felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest when he nodded at her curtly and made his way over to the elevators.

Was that it? They saw each other after three years and he just left?

She couldn´t let him go, not now.

„Griss?"

He turned around and even if his face looked impassive her heart skipped a beat anyway.

„How are you?"

She wanted to hear from him that he was okay. Of course Nick and Greg kept her up to date on most things and they said he was fine.

But with Grissom you could never know.

„I´m good," he seemed to hesitate before adding, „What about you?"

What about her? _I miss you_, she wanted to say.

„Yeah, me too."

There had been a time when she could tell him what she was thinking and he unterstood. Now she knew the only response she´d get was a blank expression, letting her wonder what he really thought.

„You know I live here now. In Boston I mean. Have for almost two years."

And the rambling was back again.

„Oh." It stung that her life didn´t seem to interest him in the slightest.

„Just thought you might want to know." She added as though to justify her words.

Why did this have to be so hard when they´d once been so happy with each other?

„I still live in Vegas." Although she already knew about his living arrangements she was happy he was talking to her.

It was something.

„I know. Supervisor of the dayshift now, married to...Jennifer, wasn´t it?"

She didn´t know why she brought her up. But she just...she wanted to see the look on his face when she said her name.

He seemed surprised that she knew about his wife so she hastily added,

„I didn´t snoop around for information about you. Nick told me."

„Oh." Again he seemed to be at a loss for words and it somehow amused her that the man who could render even the best defense attorneys and the most brutal killers speechless with the eloquence of his words turned like this around her.

He looked away, seeming unsure of what to say.

„You don´t have to worry, you know? I moved on too." He shouldn´t pity her and he shouldn´t feel guilty for having moved on.

„Is that so?"His cold tone surprised her. Shouldn´t he be relieved?

„I´m engaged, to a highschool science teacher." It obviously didn´t interest him but she somehow wanted him to hurt too.

She wanted him to know how it felt when you got to know the person you loved – love? – was with someone else.

„Congratulations." If she were in his situation she would not have been able to utter those words. At least not as sincerely.

„Thanks." Sara finally answered, a little shakily.

She cursed herself for having even started this conversation.

They stood there for a few silent moments just looking at each other and for the first time since she´d seen him she noticed the wrinkled that he´d gained around his eyes and the weight he´d obviously lost.

He looked even more handsome than before.

„Gil?" She couldn´t hide the sadness that creeped into her voice. „Are you happy?" If he was she would finally really move on, she decided. She just needed to hear it from him...

„Yes." She almost sobbed at his simple answer.

This was not how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to miss her too. He was supposed to want her back. Did he never think of her anymore?

„Good...Me too." Sara forced out, adding a small smile.

At least he was happy. That was what really counted.

She´d decided to talk to him again at the conference the next day. She´d ask him to lunch in the break and she´d be honest with him.

The night before she´d not slept in bed with Will. She lay awake on the living room couch, her chest feeling too tight to breath. She never knew she´d miss him this much. She never knew how much she needed him.

But she was going to tell him.

She arrived at the hotel early, wanting to catch him before the first part of the conference started. But he didn´t show.

She finally asked at the receptionist´s desk if they could call him and tell him that there was somebody waiting for him.

„I´m sorry Miss, but Dr. Grissom has already checked out yesterday evening."

And her heart broke a little more.

That night after telling Will the wedding was off, she cried until she fell asleep.

The End

**A/N:** Reviews are greatly appreciated:-)


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